How to Win Friends and Influence Parishioners

Sunday was our day to be welcomed to our new church (St. Joan of Arc).  We were told by our parish companions (a couple about our age who recently adopted twins from Ethiopia) that we needed to show up around 10AM, and that we would be introduced in some way during mass.  Knowing how much Laurin loves people/being the center of attention, I knew we were in for a treat.  Even before we left the house we knew we were in trouble.  Both babies sensed the  stress we were already displaying, and the both went into freakout mode.  It took about 10 minutes of driving to calm them (about ten more minutes than normal).   When we got there (early as usual thanks to years of training from my dad), we were the only ones there.  By the time they started to get us organized there were about 50 people.   Apparently St. Joan of Arc has loosened their rules on getting married at the church.  You now only have to have been members for 2 months.  I cast a critical eye on a few couples that happened to be engaged/'joining' the church.  Back when we were without a church and looking to get married St. Joan of Arc required yo to have been a member for a year.    Anyway, my annoyance aside, the event moved forward.  Normally, we make full use of the cry room during mass.  Of course, in all the times we have used the cry room the girls have been angels.  Now hat we were forced to sit amongst the masses it was party time.  Right as mass started the girls decided they were hungry.  We mixed bottles in the pew and went to work.  Both babies fed well, but I knew we were in for trouble.  Riley started to spit up in greater and greater quantities.  She was also fussing.   She puked on herself, my pants, the floor, and more places I may have left out.  This was all before we had to go up in front of everyone.   I rotated between wiping her, bouncing her, and walking her on the side of the pews.   It soon became go time and we were called up front (along with the rest of the newbies).  They did it alphabetically, which was good, but that also meant we ended up in front.   we recited a few things to the priest and it was time for his blessing.  Just as he began, Riley projectile puked about four feet out in front of us, right onto the marble floors.  It left a clearly-visible puddle in front of us.  Thankfully, she didnt hit anyone else.  So, for about a minute I had to stand there wondering what to do.  I couldnt leave it.  I scanned the audience, but noone appeared to be breaking out in laughter besides me.  It seemed that we were in the clear.  I knelt down and wiped it up after the blessing.  We made our way back to the pew where Sanna promptly had a poop explosion and almost ruined her outfit.  A little more fussing from Riley and we were done.  Needless to say, we will never be leaving the cry room again during mass.  The one  bright spot was that the morning ended with a church-sponsored buffet foods I love.  I stuffed myself and went home to be lazy.  The end.